ihateweddings.com

No Drinking Beer From Bottles

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 05:22:54 +0100

Thomas J. Kelly attends a wedding where bartender said the bride requested that beer not be served from bottles but rather glasses.

There's a lot of reasons why I love my friend Jim's wife Dianna. But this is not the venue for me to be affectionate. Most relevant to you, the IHateWeddings.com reader, I love Dianna because she said nice things about me on the meanings blog on earting LIBrides.com

LiBrides.com had linked to the Sunday weddings article I had written where I stated "Most people would rather receive an envelope full of powdered anthrax than an invitation to a Sunday wedding.

Needless to say about a third of the Long Island Brides were angry.

In the middle of all of these comments calling me an ahole, a jerk who's never been laid and many meaner things there was a comment from Dianna which read "Oh that's my friend Tom."

So I knew when I went to Jim and Dianna's wedding I knew I had to love her for loving me.

The wedding was amazing. There are a few funny compliments I'll give to them later. But I figured I'd first start with the one interesting thing I noticed.

When I went to order a beer the bartender took my beer and poured it into a small glass. He apologized and said "It was the bride's wishes that we drink out of glasses and not bottles."

I don't begrudge that. I understand that this "bottleless tradition" is a way of keeping your pictures clear of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans and other low class corporate logos.

But the bartender at Chateau Le Mer in Lindenhurst, NY, who was quick to blame the bride, was serving the beer into tiny glasses. The tiny glasses were creating new problems. Even the most sober of men looked like they were quintuple fisting because they were ordering four glasses of beer to get the 16 fluid ounces found in an oh so tasty bottle of Heinekin.

If catering halls are going to enforce bottle-less weddings the halls need to implement some of these suggestions:

Serve beer out of a tap. You'll waste less bottles. It's "greener."

Serve beer in larger glasses so that way I don't have to order my beer three at a time to get 16 ounces of beer.

If you don't follow these tips have an extra bus boy on hand to keep visiting my table because I'll have a lot of glasses piling up.

The Lost Invitation

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 20:50:04 +0100

In this true story, comedian Thomas J. Kelly explains how he invited himself to an engagement party.

As I get older I�m becoming more and more of my Sicilian grandfather. That�s not always a good thing. When I was about 10, my parents were going to take my brother and I to Walt Disney World in Florida. My grandfather found out. He said �What�s the matter? Don�t you love me enough to ask me if I want to go to Florida with you?�

I wound up crying. I felt like a bad grandson. I went to my mother crying saying we should have invited Grandpa. The next day we went over to Grandma and Grandpa�s. My mom asked Grandpa if he and Grandma would like to come to Florida. He replied �Why the hell would I want to go to Florida? I�m not going to know anyone. There�s no one there I want to see. I�d rather stay home.�

It wasn�t senility setting in. Grandpa wanted to know he was invited. He didn�t want to actually go.

Flash forward to more than twenty years later. My friend Dan S. is having a destination wedding in Savannah, Georgia in three weeks. Last weekend, Dan�s parents threw a New York party in honor of the bride and groom. That Thursday morning, my roommate Charlie asked me if I was going. I did not even know the event was taking place.

How could this be? How could Mr. and Mrs. S be having a party in honor of one of my good friends and not invite me? They invited Charlie. How could they not invite me? How could you have a party without me?

So I whipped out my cell phone and called Mrs. S. I explained to Mrs. S. that I heard she was having a party this weekend and that something must be wrong because no one had told me about it.

�Oh the party is for family� Mrs. S replied.

�Oh really, Mrs. S? Charlie got invited. Surely you guys love me as much as Charlie.�

�Well the party is for grownups.� Said Mrs. S.

�Gee Mrs. S. I find it hard to believe you consider Charlie more of a grown up than I.�

�Well it was a last minute thing� replied an exhausted Mrs. S.

�It couldn�t be THAT last minute Mrs. S. You took the time to make invitations and mail them out. Never mind the fact that you mailed them to MY APARTMENT and tried to not invite me.�

Mrs. S. relented. She invited me to the party. Charlie was watching and laughing. I hung up the phone and looked up and said �Why the hell would I want to go to an engagement party? There is no one there I want to see. There will be no single women. I�d rather stay home.�

That was when I realized I�m more like Grandpa than I realized. Why would I want to go to a party with Mr. and Mrs. S�s family and friends? I didn�t. I just wanted to be invited.

That�s how I am with wedding-related affairs. I like to be invited. Unlike my grandfather . . . after I�m invited I show up and complain the whole time. So maybe I�m not just like Grandpa . . . maybe I�m worse?

Mentioned On Elvis Duran and the Z Morning Zoo

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 06:32:10 +0100

Very special thanks to Elvis Duran and the folks at the Z Morning Zoo for linking to I Hate Weddings.com. I just wanted to post a quick note to say thank you and that I'm honored. I've been listening to Elvis and the Zoo for well . . . . to give out too much information would reveal my age.

Those of you in New York City can see Thomas J. Kelly, the creator of IHateWeddings.com (me) perform stand up comedy at Stand Up NY at 7:30 Tuesday night and Comix Comedy Club on Thursday.

Tom's Stand Up Schedule

Thomas J. Kelly's Internet Radio Show

My Web TV show which follows me as I quit comedy to be an underwater dancer in the mermaid show at Weeki Wachee Springs in Florida is Little Merman.com

Fanmail and naked pictures of groupies can be sent to: ThisShowAgain@gmail.com

The Morals Of I Hate Weddings.com

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:11:27 +0100

In this article, Thomas J. Kelly III the comedian who created IHateWeddings.com responds to the recent flood of hate mail IHateWeddings.com has received. He spells out the lessons he hopes to teach with this site!The best part about this webblog that Mike McGarrigle set up for me at IHateWeddings.com is the fact that readers can leave comments.

Some people don't realize this is a comedy site written by a comedian. So yes I do go over the top sometimes for shock value or a laugh. That's provoked some strong reactions from the unwitting and the indifferent.

Before BRIDZILLAs on WE, I've been making fun of how there is something about the power of an engagement ring that turns brides and grooms into the most self-centered people. It's like the ring from "Lord of the Rings." An engagement ring can corrupt anyone who wears it. Even a pure soul like Frodo.

Also weddings have become a huge business. People focus on the WEDDING and not on the MARRIAGE. I have one friend who was so obsessed with her $70,000 dollar wedding. She was divorced before she sent out the Thank You cards.

Here are the morals of the site: 1) Brides and grooms become narcissitc self-centered people during the process of planning a wedding.

2) Brides and grooms do not realize how much money their young friends spend on what it takes to be a bridesmaid, groomsman or a wedding guest.

3) Those who get married young will not be around to return the favor of working as hard on your wedding as you did on theirs. They will use kids, mortgages, or their newfound happy marriage as excuses to not invest as much time and money into your happy day as you put into theirs. We all spent hundreds and almost thousands going to my friend Mike P's wedding. He seemingly went into the witness protection program shortly after.

4) Money spent on weddings should be spent instead on getting young couples started in their new lives so they don't get divorced.

But I love how this site pushes people's buttons. This week a web-site LIWeddings.com linked to us. We got a lot of responses and comments which you can read throughout the site. And I'll be honest some of the hate mail I received ALMOST shook me.

Here's moral 5) of I Hate Weddings.com. This message is specifically for the brides: With the exception of your mother, nobody cares about your wedding.

Ok that's an exaggeration. Nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do.

They may pretend they care just to make you feel good. But no one cares as much as you want them to. Not your guests, not your bridesmaids, not your sister, not your father and not even your husband to be.

And that brings me to moral 6: Relax.

It's supposed to be fun. So instead of putting on a show for 300 people, think about the people closest to you. Instead of obsessing over precision planning . . . have fun and let the people helping you have fun.

Bridezillas Attack

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 16:07:10 +0100

We got a flood of e-mails and comments after being linked to by LIWeddings.com. I thought I'd share my favorite comment. We also got amazing hate mail on Sunday Weddings I have a feeling the comments were mostly from insecure brides who are planning Sunday weddings.

But my favorite piece of hatemail posted here is a reply to July 4th Weddings Part IIHere is a comment I received on the July 4th Wedding Part II. It's the longest comment we've ever gotten. I thought that made it worth sharing with the whole site!

TJK,
I just came back from a holiday wedding and it was absolutely great! What a nice and different way to spend my holiday weekend.

Potential reasons that I can think of that you would disrespect your "friend" and write such horrible things about his wedding...

1. You must have spent that weekend dateless and alone. Had you gotten some good holiday nooky, you would be singing a different toon!

2. Jealousy... The only time a man comments and gossips like a petty woman is when he's jealous. Maybe your "friend" could teach you some pointers on how to snag a woman, so you can finally get that nooky you are obviously missing out on.

3. Sounds like you weren't chosen as the best man. Not shocking since if you were a better man, you wouldn't be bashing your "friend's" wedding. OMG! What if you had to rent a tux on top of all this?!? Don't worry about the anniversary... got a hunch you won't be invited.

4. You were flat broke BEFORE the wedding and depressed about it... You are probably at the point in life where you should be able to afford a holiday weekend getaway. You obviously are not where you want to be in life...socially or financially. Still crashing with friends while your "friend" starts a more mature life with his bride. Sad, isn't it? Haven't quite reached that "status", huh?

5. Last but not least... you realized that Santa Claus is indeed NOT REAL! That must have put a real downer on this and future holiday seasons for you.

You need to grow up! People can have whatever event they want however they want. It's your choice whether to go or not. A wedding takes months to plan, so if you really wanted to go and not break your bank, you should have planned better like responsible people do. Stop your punk whining about how much money you don't have. It's not your DAMN wedding and nobody put a gun to your head to participate. You could have sent a gift like the other 200 people who didn't show up. They obviously were mature enough to realize they couldn't afford it. Now you're sittling on the computer like a boob bitching about spending money you didn't have and sitting through a car ride in heavy traffic. It's traffic! Get over it!

You need to stop worrying about how much money they have and start worrying about your own damn finances. This may come as a shock, but they didn't factor you into their wedding budget. "Oh, I don't think Thomas will be able to afford filet mignon, so let's go with chips and dip." At your wedding, feel free to go as cheap as riding a dirt bike to city hall. It's your day! But don't rain on somebody else's parade just because you are not on the biggest float.

Your Presence Is Not A Present

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 09:35:06 +0100

Who remembers the IHateWeddings.com "Don't Give A Gift In 2006" campaign? I received a very thoughtful reply to this posting on the comment board and I wanted to share it. (It's probably from someone I stiffed at their wedding)

Who remembers the IHateWeddings.com "Don't Give A Gift In 2006" campaign? That campaign would still be going on except that gift and eight aren't as close to rhyming. I received a very thoughtful reply to this posting and I wanted to share it.

(Maybe the slogan will be "Give them a gift late in 2008?)

The "Don't Give Wedding Gifts" campaign was created out of need to bring back an appreciation for the gift. Brides and grooms now calculate when planning weddings that people will give them gifts in a value approximate to the value of the guest's "plate" at the reception.

If a gift is EXPECTED it is not a gift. It is payment.

If I am expected to give a gift in return for being invited somewhere, I'm not a guest. I'm essentially buying a ticket to your event.

A gift is something that is given freely. When a gift is expected and you are looked down upon for not giving a gift, the gift is no longer a gift . . . it's a payment. (I will one day tally how much it costs for me to go to a wedding without even giving a gift.)

Anyway, here is a well thought out reply from an angry bride on this Christmas eve.

Best Wishes for a great holiday,

Thomas J. Kelly
Here is the original "Don't Give A Gift In 2006" post
http://www.ihateweddings.com/index.php?itemid=37

---------
Jen's Reply
From Jen: hazarasugar@yahoo.com
You have absolutely no idea what a wedding gift is really for. You obviously have no idea what a wedding guest is, either. If you are invited to someone's wedding, you should feel honored that the bride and groom thought of you as someone they want there to celebrate their special day. The idea that you think you are doing them a favor is so silly, self centered and egotistical.

Sorry, but your presence is not a present.

As far as giving an actual present, it is customary and traditional because, just like a birthday, you are showing your happiness in the recipients' happiness, also, your happiness in their new life and new existence together. It is really not a big deal. It is just one form of being nice to someone who thought of you and who wanted to celebrate a big moment in his or her life with you. Only a truly petty and egotistical person would "protest" giving a simple gift on what is one of, if not the biggest, days of these people's lives. If you are not close enough to these people to want to make them happy and give them a small token of your happiness and your wish to see them make a nice start of their new life together, you probably shouldn't be at their wedding.

As far as registries are concerned, most wedding guests find registries helpful because it is sometimes difficult, if you are a remotely thoughtful person, to find a gift that neither of two people already has and that they will benefit from. This is especially true in this age when couple's live together before marriage and usually have standard gifts like toasters and blenders that help a couple start a home together.

Grow up, stop worrying about every dollar you spend and whether or not it covers your "plate" at the reception (this is the first time I have ever heard of such a ridiculous rule of thumb) and try to focus on other people and doing a little something to make them happy.

Sunday Night Weddings

Wed, 5 Dec 2007 22:43:20 +0100

Well folks it's the elephant in the room when planning a wedding. Every now and then you get someone willing to throw a wedding on a Sunday night. Here's the official IHateWeddings.com stance on Sunday night weddings.If you�re planning a Sunday night wedding I have an idea for you. Instead of sending out invitations just send out little notes that say �I�m getting married but I don�t want you to come to my wedding.�

And for the relatives that HAVE to go to your wedding send them a little note that says �I hate you.�

Last month I went to a wedding reception that STARTED at 7:00 P.M. on a Sunday night. I�m usually in bed by 6:45 on Sunday nights.

Sunday weddings are worse than holiday weekend weddings. It�s the bride and groom�s way of getting the hall cheap so they look like they are having a big wedding. Just remember when you look back at all of the pictures your guests are secretly saying �My God, I have work tomorrow.�

You want your guests to eat, drink and dance at your wedding. But if your wedding is on a Sunday they can�t eat, drink and dance too much otherwise they�ll be hung over at work on Monday.

The only thing worse than a Sunday wedding is a mid week wedding. I went to a Thursday wedding two years ago. The couple got divorced after ten months. Frankly if you�re not willing to pay for a Saturday wedding, you�re not that into the relationship.

The OTHER Bachelor Party

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 00:48:00 +0100

One solution to the "Do you invite the in-laws to the bachelor party?" situation is to have two bachelor parties.

You have the "bachelor party" that everyone knows about . . . and then you have the BACHELOR PARTY.
One solution to the "Do you invite the in-laws to the bachelor party?" situation is to have two bachelor parties.

You have what everyone THINKS is the bachelor party. You make it classy. Maybe you invite the bride's father to a steak dinner with the boys. That should double the dowry right there.

Then a week later you have the second bachelor party. The REAL bachelor party. That's the bachelor party with the strippers and hookers and debauchery. Only a select group of men can be invited to that one.

But you have the perfect cover. When someone asks how was your bachelor party you can always describe the one that you had with the father-in-law. No one needs to know about your secret bachelor party.

A variation of this plan is the bachelorette party switch. As a comedian, I'm often stuck entertaining hundreds of bachelorettes at comedy shows. What usually happens is AFTER the comedy show the groom's mother goes home and the single bachelorettes go out for the REAL bachelorette party with male stripper and creepy scavenger hunts.

Governor Spitzer Humor

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 05:59:00 +0100

Give this video a quick "funny" vote on FunnyorDie.com

(I know the date on this video is 2007 but I wanted to move this down the blog a bit)

Signs You're A B-List Wedding Guest

Wed, 7 Nov 2007 01:25:24 +0100

I think the hardest part of planning a wedding is picking who you want to come to the wedding. Instead of voting people off the island, families have to "vote friends out of the reception." It's a hard process, especially for couples having smaller weddings.

But sometimes couples have the reverse problem. After they've boiled down the guest list to their favorite relatives and friends the RSVPs start coming in. They start to realize that their most treasured friends and family members don't want to come to their wedding.

Empty chairs means lost revenue for the bride and groom. Plus there is nothing more humiliating to a young couple getting married than empty tables at your reception.

It's at that point Brides and Grooms have to whip out "The B List" and sometimes things get so bad . . . they have to whip out "The D List."

Here are some signs you were a B List wedding guest.I think the hardest part of planning a wedding is picking who you want to come to the wedding. Instead of voting people off the island, families have to "vote friends out of the reception." It's a hard process, especially for couples having smaller weddings.

But sometimes couples have the reverse problem. After they've boiled down the guest list to their favorite relatives and friends the RSVPs start coming in. They start to realize that their most treasured friends and family members don't want to come to their wedding.

Empty chairs means lost revenue for the bride and groom. Plus there is nothing more humiliating to a young couple getting married than empty tables at your reception.

It's at that point Brides and Grooms have to whip out "The B List" and sometimes things get so bad . . . they have to whip out "The D List."

Here are some signs you were a B List wedding guest.

--------------------------------

You are at at able of people who've never met either the bride or groom.

Your table was called last for the buffet.

Before calling your table for the buffet all of the other tables are offered seconds.

Neither the bride nor the groom remembers your name.

When told your name the bride and groom accuse you of crashing the wedding.

The invitation came three days before the wedding.

You didn't get an invitation you got an e-vite.

Your place card is written in sharpie.

You're sitting at a table with the father of the bride's mailman, landscaper and plumber.

It's been more than eight years since you've seen the bride or groom.

You've made love to either the bride or the groom.

Your invitation was addressed not to "You and Guest" but to "You and whoever else you feel like bringing."

You are sitting with the couple the bride and groom met in Pre-Cana.

Three of the people at your table may not have showered in the last four weeks.

It's a black tie event and you are sitting with the trashy cousin wearing denim and a polo.

Each person at your table isn't talking to someone in the bride or groom's immediate family.

You are sitting a table of migrant day laborers who were hired as seat fillers.

Classy or Not: Banning Beer Bottles At A Wedding: Should guests drink their beer out of glasses or bottles?
	Glasses
	Beer Bottles

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Classy or Not: Banning Beer Bottles At A Wedding: Should guests drink their beer out of glasses or bottles?
	Glasses
	Beer Bottles

Free polls from Pollhost.com

Should wedding guests be REQUIRED to give a wedding gift?
	No. Your presence is a present.
	Yes. Some small token of your appreciation is appropriate.
	Yes. You should pay at least the cost of one "plate" (guest) at the affair

Have you ever gotten mad you were NOT invited to a wedding (or wedding related event) that you didn't want to go to?
	Yes
	No